Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I believe in your delicious
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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