well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
