and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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