sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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