Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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