im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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