walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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