Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
