forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
