The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
