god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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