You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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