my phone needs a breathalizer
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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