he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize