People in love make me want to vomit
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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