it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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