so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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