Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
