I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
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Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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