she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My ATM looks so different sober.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
