How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
