As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
