could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
zippers are such a cool invention
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
