I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
