is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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