Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
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