I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
