How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
