my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I love you.
Bad choice
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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