yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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