Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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