I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
