Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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