dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
