Plan B is the new Plan A
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
