I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
