I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
