I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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