So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
