this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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