You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
