I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
