he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
smell my finger.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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