It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
