So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
