you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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