You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
