I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
