Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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