Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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