I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
