So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
