just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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