My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
