I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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