If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
