so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
