Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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