if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
my liver is dry heaving
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
