did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
