it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
