in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
