I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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